Wednesday, February 19, 2014


Some people are good at it.  Some actually, you can't even find if you try.  That's amazing in today's information age.

I've tried for the last few years to hide in the obscurity of this life and yet you find me.  It doesn't make sense then to buy a website in my name and make it so easy, or post stupid videos on You Tube thinking they'll disappear someday.  Also, being a part of anything even slightly successful is a waist also if you want to be anonymous.

I want to do radical things, I have the drive.  I want to help shape and change the world for the better.  I want to move mountains and uproot trees in their place.  I want to break down the walls of injustice and bring tolerance and love to every human being.

But I'm constrained.

If I believe God is true and not a liar and that He knows all things and has directed all things to be as they are then it is Him who constrains me.  It is Him to keeps me seeking obscurity and forced into a humble existence.

Move mountains? Hell yes I can!  uproot trees from their place? in a heartbeat!

But He constrains me.  He keeps me always considering the present moment, living in it, and causing me to go deeper and deeper...or higher and higher, however you want to call it.

I don't do this on purpose.  This life that I live, it wasn't my choice entirely.  God, the creator, Maker, the One who knows all, the Almighty...He has giving all of this to me and says, "enjoy, create, laugh, be alive, and celebrate"!

So with what I have I tend to always want to share or at least give others the experiences I am experiencing.  Why wouldn't I.  This life is fantastic! It's full and intense!  It's magical and majestic!  It's just plain ridiculously amazing!

Of course then, you're brought back to reality right?  Which is what?  think about it for a second...right now, this moment...what's wrong with your life?  Really, not what wrong that you're going to fix or what's wrong that happened to you in the past but what's wrong at this very moment as you read these words on the page?

.......absolutely nothing.

The true you, not your ego but the one that makes you you, that one that knows what I'm talking about, that inner you...what's actually wrong in your life at this moment?  Nothing...if you are honest.

It's true, without the ego.  Life is beautiful.  True life.  It's better than beautiful.  That's where I want to live.

In obscurity to my ego.

Where I can't be found if you google me because I don't exist.  Death to self is everywhere, in every religion, throughout history.  Who do I want to be?  Not someone that hurts people, not someone that's know to be an prick, not someone that cares only for his own good and not that of others.

Honestly, I'd want to be selfless in truth.  I want to be for you and celebrate your life and your successes, not my own.  Maybe in this obscurity I may find that ability to move those mountains that can't be seen and uproot those trees that can't be uprooted.  Maybe there is reasoning behind being forced away from my ego and toward selflessness.

Maybe there is something actually happening in the midst of this moment that we don't even see.  Maybe seeking obscurity is what's revealing the true identity of living.

We will see.    

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Church service 09/08/13

A continual theme that I've easily noticed this week while attended a "men's breakfast" and the service today at church.  The theme: members, or "disciples" as these congregants call them have fallen or are falling away.  Even after years "small groups", corporate bible teachings, and modern theology these once powerful, focused, and awesome disciples are no where to be found.  They've gone with pains, sorrows, anger, bitterness, and scars.  No where to be found because they've seemed to run as far away from church as they can.  Or on the other hand, they've hidden behind their shadows and secrets so much they are finally living them out even after years of "reforming" in the safety of the church.

You may argue that it's the devil and his tricks causing people to fall away.  Just blame the devil, he made me do it.  But I highly doubt it.  The devil doesn't have that kind of power unless you believe he is more powerful than God.  We tend to blame a little too much on the enemy.  That's just an old false blame game.  Hasn't Jesus given us power to conquer and aren't we already victorious over death and hades?  I fear what it truly is, is the model we've come to know as the modern church.  We are hiding behind our clean lives, we come to church to feel better about ourselves.  We find people like ourselves to make sure we're good and going in the right direction.  We are deceived.  We are doing it wrong.  We are making a room full of sin soaked, doubtful, and broken people that are only covering up the problem.  We claim the blood of Christ yet we continually sacrifice him over an over again in the lives we live and in the way respond weekly with the same shame and guilt which holds us down with heaviness and failure.

That isn't the gospel.  The gospel is good news.  We shouldn't be guilty but rather guiltless.  We shouldn't feel shame but pride, not in ourselves but in the victory of Christ and suffering.  We shouldn't fear death and pain but embrace it knowing that it's part of our existence and purposeful.

I fear that we run away from those things that frighten us.  We are fearful of what we do not know.  Well, we do not know a lot.  We only see through a mirror dimly.  If we should be fearful it should be of the chaos we are causing within the faith, making people follow us in a direction that's impossible and doesn't have true victory in the life.  While we know that there is a life to come let us embrace the life we have now.  Unknowingly, without a perfect knowledge of what the future actually holds, let us embrace our shadows and our secrets.  Lets not hid behind them and cause them to define us.  Christ showed us the way and was more than a conquerer.  There is no fear when we cast our lives in the arms of our creator.  Let our egos die.  Let our masks fall down.  Let us call it what it is and not be fearful of what we truly look like.  There is so much life to be lived, exciting, fun, difficult, scary, yet fascinating all at the same time.  Life is hard, it's weird, it's overwhelming yet there is a point.

Enjoy your life, don't be afraid of it.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Church service! Sunday August 25th 2013

So I decided to start blogging while sitting in church.  Figured I'd get something out of it rather than just being annoyed the entire time I sit through the sermon.  You might ask, "why even go to church then"?  Well, there's something odd about the time and place I live that people who follow Jesus are under the impression that we are supposed to go to church, so as much as I can't stand it and have an endless amount of reasons why, ill save that for another time.

Something I notice, we like to gather.  As humans we like to be part if the crowd.  We tend to feel save when we're all in the boat and going in the same direction.  That's fine, I feel that way a lot but I personally like to trailblaze and drive myself rather than be lead.  Some of us are gifted to lead, to drive, to make the path and we feel uncomfortable going in a direction we do t want to go.  Some of us feel powerless to drive ourselves, but I supposed most of us feel somewhat able to at least steer ourselves in the right places.

Another thing to consider.  Worship: the time before the service that we sing, place songs, shout, dance for Jesus, whatever it might be.  There is something fantastic and transparent about raising our voices corporately to Jesus.  It's got to be such a picture of heaven.  The scripture that talks about in the last days that something like "God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”  It doesn't matter how high you are at the time, what sin you just committed, how much porn you just viewed, how you yelled at your wife just before you dropped off your kids, how messed up you think theologically, whatever!  Whoever and whatever, wherever you are Jesus is Jesus and when we call on his name he is there.  He is lifted up, he is with you, with us, he is blessed and we are blessed.  There is something fantastic about singing to Jesus and for Jesus and it is by far a universal thought, feeling, and understanding that we all agree on in the midst of the moment.

I used to sing and lead worship and I can remember that when we would life up the name of Jesus it just resonated with everyone all the time.  There truly is power in the name of our creator.  Jesus truly brings healing and power and joy and peace and love and all those things we all long for, it's what Jesus brings when he is made the point and purpose.

A few things I can't stand. Not just me but I find a huge amount of fellow believers agree in these issues.  Membership: it's pretty much falling I to the same deal as the Corinthians church as saying we are of Appolos, or we are of Paul.  It's understandable from a business perspective or in a building fund, even a capitalist mentality.  But when it comes to Jesus and even bibilical models of "church" where and in what compassity does membership fall?  Aren't we already members?  Why do I have to dissect this theology to such a detail that we exclude and now dogmatically disregard what is clearly not a concrete plain as day direction of Jesus?  It's become, "believe this way and agree to this way of thinking or you cannot and will not be part of our crew".  It's become a place that easily and unfortunately excludes and brings more harm than good to those just wanting to know Jesus and be part of a crew of people that want the same.

That's just a few ideas on the anti-membership mentality that I've always been on.  Next is Tithing: what's the point? Paul...why should we pay you for "preaching" the gospel?  Because you're worthy and should make a living by the gospel?  It's "biblical".  The laborer is worthy of his wages?  Fine, great argument.  I don't care, a lot of people don't care.  Ill pass a few bucks to a good teacher, if he's good, cares about people, and really wants to see people grow and be more in love with Jesus.  But finance a 25000sf building, the 80 people on staff, the media, the electricity, the amount of time and administrative stuff waisted on this and that?  I'd rather not, this isn't a synagogue, this isn't a catholic cathedral.  I give to those that need it.  I'm challanged even now to give more to those that are truly in need.

It also seems to me that we are "handicapped" on church.  I see a ton, a huge amount of people that are "new".  Where are the old ones?  The ones that were saved and transformed and blown away by Jesus, what happened to them?  Where did they go?  They're not sitting here on Sunday.  They're not at this church anyway.  I don't see excitement.  I see people getting bogged down with rules and theology that brings more mediocrity than transformation.  Gosh! I just can't believe how annoying church is to me.  It's like a bad comedy that doesn't just goes on and on and on.

I need fresh fire.  I need fresh wind.  Where I where oh God is your spirit? I can guarantee it doesn't dwell at the modern day American church.  Oh the church isn't about you it's about others! Duh, I know, I've heard that one over and over for the past 15 years. I don't want others to go, I don't want to invite them, I don't want to let them know what I do on Sundays.  I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, I'm saddened by what we've come to.  It's sad this is it.  It's so not! It's not even close to what Jesus wants or desires.  We've put him in a box and made it plenty comfortable for the majority to blame others for the shadows we hide from.

Next Sunday, I will tourture myself and blogg again while I sit here in this typical modern day life sucking church.  Till then, may Jesus do some radical things in your life and may you long to be more like him and please help others see him how he desires to be seen.  Jesus is all and in all, he's freakin awesome!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


It's what we all seem to want.  A life that is Fantastic!

It's hard, but its so sweet.  It rough, but we always seem to struggle.  It's all good, then it all falls apart.  Life seems to challenge, change, grow, shrink, bend, break, move, develop.

Whatever it is it's crazy no matter who you are or what you are.  Lately, I've come to realize that I think life never gets better we just learn to cope or we learn to deal with it.  When you're a child you have no responsibility, no worries, nothing.  As you grow you gain worries and anxieties, you become involved and in debt.  Everything begins to come against you and you learn to fight it or struggle against it.  We grow thick skin.  Life doesn't get easier, it get more difficult.

Nevertheless, it's not a bad thing.  It's just life.  I believe the more closer you grow to your end the harder it gets.  But there is a remedy.  There is help.  There is a crutch we lean on.  Without Jesus were blinded to the endless struggle and it becomes meaningless, pain ridden, and horrible.

It's in our frailty, our utter weakness that he is made strong.  Truly, life would suck with him.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Proverbs 16:9 states, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

Truly, Jesus uses the base things of the world.  I am that base.  I've always considered myself to be the filth of the world, the least of the saints, etc.  Just as Paul counted all things he attained in the world as rubbish so I always counted my life as filthy rags in the eyes of God.

The most glorious thing I've come to know about Jesus and Christianity is the simple truth of what humility truly brings.  It brings peace, provides comfort, creates healing, reconciles enemies, brings down empires.  When we submit to His way in the midst of going our own way we find the path we've always been looking for.  We find His way.  The best way.

My brothers life of 38 years was celebrated this past Sunday.  What his death has done was one of the most powerful things I've ever witnessed in my young 35 years of life.  His passing has brought to life relationships that have been dormant and damaged for over two decades.  His death, through Jesus, brought life.

Truly, His ways are not our ways. 

Friday, November 02, 2012

I want to remember this simple yet profound time in my life.  A stone of remembrance so in twenty years I can look back and be stoked on where my life has led.  Today, you've broke ground on the future of your business and the Lord has built a solid foundation of support and fellow friends.  Remember November 2nd 2012 was a time to build, a time to mourn, and a time to rejoice.  What God has done is by far miraculous.  Praise Him!

Thursday, August 30, 2012


35 years of life and I still struggle with identity.  Finally the point is coming where it's ok to be solid, to be confident, to lead with intensity and vision.  I always look to past friends, family, business partners to see their progress and match it up to mine.  Am I keeping up?  Have I reach my full potential?  What stratigec moves do I have to make to catch up?

And in all that I realize I'm trail blazing...I'm leading the industry...I'm the one they're keeping up with.  Do they watch my every move like I watch theirs or do they even care?  Am I a fool in believe that everyone else is like me and struggles with the same sins, and disbelief, and pains?  I question myself daily.

Maybe that's why I am successful.  Maybe that's why I have so much tenacity to push the envelope.  I don't know, I don't really think it matters.  What matters is that finding who we are and where we stand, it's elementary but important.  Now that I'm aimed with passion and vision, fully whole, it's time to begin that legacy we all want to live.

I'm standing confident in my failures, my utter disappointments, and my tragedies!  It's in these that I find my identity!  Without these there would be not challenge, no fight, no reason to press on.  Thankfully, I don't run this race solo and so many teammate and total inspiration is that man who did what no other could ever do, He died the death that only He could, all to ransom me.